As we grow, our relationship grows. With A, with B, with C, with every of those alphabetical letters, and with all those complex combinations of them.
I write this to remind myself, also to explain to one or two particular persons in my life. That, if we look forward a kind of relationship that would not ever hurt our tiny trembling heart, we would never ever find it inside this humanity form. It will always be time, where our dearest ones hurting us, doing errs, missunderstand our good deeds, shredding our tears, using wrong choices of words, and alike. And they’ll do it for times, so do we. And then, we find this tiny trembling heart aching, even bleeding.
But that’s us. That’s really us : human. Imposibble not to do err forever, even right after we say “I love you forever.” Intentionally or not, we are just a perfect piece of examples that no body’s perfect.
I begin to understand (after so many wasted chances in my life), that a tight-bounded relationship built upon so many conflict and resolutions to it. How we face it, resolve it, feel sorry, beg to forgive, and mend it, and on and on and on. So various. It’s stability is an actual result of so many managable unstabilities. Then, it will last for years. Some, for ever.
Just like the destiny of seeds, some grow upon overcoming hardship, and some other dye of failing. Our relationships work in the same way. We might not know yet, into which direction it will step forward. We might not know yet, how deep this relationship will be meant to us. We might not know yet, when, where, and how this one will end it’s bound. We never know untill the time explain it to us. We have to wait. And choose. Will we protect this seed anyhow, or will we be able to loose it somehow. This love. This friendship. This companionship. These lots of beautiful moments and those bad ones.
Ask this self, then choose. To fight eventhough we never know the future. Or to withdraw, eventhough we still be able to restrain these feelings : anger, fear, anxiety, disappointment and on. Sometimes it’s not the act of overcoming hardship that matter. Sometimes, it’s the act of fighting to overcome hardship that immediately reflects our true feeling about it. About the meaning of that relationship.
I’ve lived through many of broken friendship caused of missunderstanding, time, distance, changing of peer preference, and some because of others. Then I learned. If there is mutual truthful feeling toward each of us, we will try one or two or two thousand ways to repair the broken sides. And then that friendship, that relationship, grows stronger than ever. It’s also true, sometimes it takes times to mend. To send our deepest apology. To set our clearest mind into the air of honesty, being honest about the wrongdoings, being honest in saying sorry, and being honest to acknowledge the depth meaning of it to this tiny trembling heart.
I am speaking of love and relationship though. But it’s not a kind of contemplation upon specific romantic experience. What I am talking is a broader spectrum of love, friendship, and relationship. In which, we live up our everyday life. There are two particular persons in my head right now, right when I am writing this long sentences. One is the one who dying of my words. And another one, is the one who kills me with her words. None of these two case includes any abusive words. Yet, these two cases rose upon almost a completely true facts that brought up not all of a sudden in a bright sunny season, within a wonderful moment of discussion. Yet, they still hurts.
This is life. The place where all true and/or falses doing claimed so depends not only to the exact concept, but also to the context. Some contexts are observable and some lies so deep in our humanly feeling. Not only hard to explain, but also hard to completely understand. That is life, and this is us, the “only human” one. And come then this moment, where I should restart my self inquiry about the value of these bound to me. How far I shall fight for these.
On growing or dying,
Anggun Nadia Fatimah,
August 25, 2016
15.16 (+7 GMT)