I am now, reflecting upon a certain uneasy situation where my laughter failing my friend’s expectation. We are good friends with so many jokes in between. Last night I delivered a joke that had not got my friend’s consent. My friend began to be mad. And left me with an empty space in my heart, like always, whenever similar situation takes part. I don’t know yet, what should I say any next time we meet. I still don’t know, how should I behave toward this person.
It’s not like cursing somebody’s faith, or accusing somebody’s family of doing harmful things. It’s really a simply funny joke. When the other gave it smile but not this person. Usually, this person does the jokes. Even when I thought one day, I’d be upset upon something, this person’s funny words could turn my upset face into a happy one. Maybe somebody came home after a tough day or else, then read some funny jokes and took it as a poisonous piece of cookie.
Yet still… I have this empty space, very uneasy to feel, and somehow takes my happiness away. Maybe it’s me who has already gone too far in classifying things as funny things. Whatever. I’d never wanted to do any harm to people’s heart, yet seems like again and again doing bad reckless things that left a scar in their heart.
Then I give a second thought of my recent upset feeling towards my mother’s word. Another case. Unrelated but could be tangled together to reflect.
It was several days ago, and some other moments before it that upset me. Some words on something that made me feel like somewhat exhausted. I paid my anger by ignoring her phone calls, or if I took it, I made it very short without flowery words or this and that kind of chitchat. But there was no uncertain feeling, how to behave after this, what to say another next day, and on. I need only to be me. With all my good and hurted feelings. I can be me without hesitation that my mother will be angry forever to me.
It’s good for me to (re)know it. Sometimes people need to be reassured of the existance of family acceptance and love. They (or us) could be mad each other for sometimes, but will not be an everlasting one. Because deep inside us, we have love that is stronger (yet sometimes hidden and forgotten) than our hurted emotions. A tight bond that rarely occurs in other kinds of relationship. Family is a priceless gift.
Upon a hole in my heart,
November 2nd, 2016
10.58 (+7 GMT)